imperfect me

There’s something so satisfying about being sore. Not in that  post marathon oh-god-I-may-never-move-again way, but in the way that happens after you start working out again after a break — your body waking up again.

My good friend Lauren has been showing me some new whip my legs into shape moves and I put in a tough workout with them yesterday. I was a little disappointed when I woke up this morning and didn’t feel the slightest bit sore. I spent the morning running errands, came home and made lunch and then sat down on the couch with the laptop to plow through my email. I stood up about an hour later and ahhhh, there it was, that long, slow burn in my thighs that lets me know exactly how hard I worked them yesterday. It was brilliant.

I’ve been thinking today about that awareness, that sense of actually existing within my own body, and I think that’s one thing that’s missing when I’m not working out and eating properly. I’m not taking care of myself. I’m detached from my body. I dealt with it in a huge way following cancer treatments; my body had betrayed me, so I betrayed it. I was furious and I treated myself terribly, and it’s there that I get into trouble. I’m not uninformed, I’m not ill-educated. I have all of the knowledge I need to have the body I want. I just haven’t been making it happen for myself.

I was at the grocery store this morning and I overheard two women talking. One of them was said that her doctor told her to lose 40 pounds, and she didn’t know what to eat for snacks. She said, “I don’t want to eat celery, or vegetables or fruit, or any of that.” The other women said, “Oh, get those 100 calorie packs of cookies. Those are a good snack.”

OK. I don’t want to knock a good cookie every now and then, and I don’t want to make it sound like I think there is no place in a person’s diet for sweets but seriously? A 100 pack of cookies is not a substitute for “celery or vegetables or fruit or any of that.” Hearing that discussion made me so frustrated and I had to walk quickly away and then I thought, wait. Is that any better? They’re misinformed. I’m purposefully ignoring what I know. What right do I have to be frustrated?

For me, this battle with weight and food and everything that goes along with it, it’s not a matter of connecting my brain and my stomach. It’s a matter of reconnecting the wires in my brain and understanding, really knowing, that it isn’t a battle at all. This is my one body. This is all I’m going to get. It isn’t me against her, it’s us against the world and for all we’ve been through, I think it’s about time I started treating her like the treasure she is.

Love Your Body Already

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “imperfect me

  1. Heather

    AMEN.

    Nuff said.

  2. Angela

    Sweartagod I’m just now reading this and didn’t copy you.

    I love you so much.

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